It all started when our over-heralded star, Evelyn, woke up in a swamp. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling barely frustrated, Evelyn stroked a live hand grenade, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, she realized that her beloved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, Stefanie. Evelyn had known Stefanie for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Stefanie was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... pestering. Evelyn called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Stefanie picked up to a very happy Evelyn. Stefanie calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks yawn before mating, yet legless puppies usually explosively yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Evelyn. Why was Stefanie trying to distract Evelyn? Because she had snuck out from Evelyn's with the iPad only five days prior. It was a striking little iPad... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Evelyn got back to the subject at hand: her iPad. Stefanie belched. Relunctantly, Stefanie invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Evelyn grabbed her George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Stefanie realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it skillfully. She figured that if Evelyn took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, she had take at least six minutes before Evelyn would get there. But if she took the Segway? Then Stefanie would be really screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Stefanie was interrupted by ten annoying marmots that were lured by her iPad. Stefanie sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she fearlessly reached for her carrot and randomly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Evelyn.
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so she knew she was running late. With a calculated leap, Evelyn was out of the Segway and went explosively jaunting toward Stefanie's front door. Meanwhile inside, Stefanie was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her whale. Stefanie was pleased but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Stefanie surreptitiously purred. With a hasty push, Evelyn opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless beer-sloshed tool in a magic flying carpet,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Stefanie assured her. Evelyn took a seat right next to where Stefanie had hidden the iPad. Stefanie sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Evelyn was distracted. As if it really mattered Stefanie noticed a abrasive look on Evelyn's face. Evelyn slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Stefanie felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Evelyn asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Evelyn's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Evelyn nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Stefanie could react, Evelyn aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.
Evelyn stared at Stefanie for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Stefanie groped flamboyantly in Evelyn's direction, clearly desperate. Evelyn grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Stefanie let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Evelyn,' she rebuked. Stefanie always had been a little dimwitted, so Evelyn knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Stefanie did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. Absolutely thrilled, she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Stefanie looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Evelyn. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Evelyn. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Stefanie walked over to the window and looked down. Evelyn was gone.
Just yonder, Evelyn was struggling to make her way through the fantastic pumpkin patch behind Stefanie's place. Evelyn had severely hurt her prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Evelyn. Already weakened from her injury, Evelyn yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with her iPad.
But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Evelyn's iPad. Feeling frustrated, God smote the marmots for their injustice. Then He got in His hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle and jetted away with the fortitude of 2,000 man-eating capybaras running from a enlarged pack of 3-legged wallabies. Evelyn flipped with joy when she saw this. Her iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes her favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet ebola'). Evelyn was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Stefanie and a few rusty razor blade-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.